Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Climbing Fences

Photo by Skitterphoto on pixabay

There was something about being able to lift my limbs up and over a fence as a child. The fence wasn’t an obstacle but a toy. As I got stronger and could do it faster. I reveled in my physical agility.

Somewhere along the line, I built up fences, endless defenses to keep out fear and pain. But I also kept out the good stuff. I have loved and I do love, but it must be small compared to what it could be if I let love into my heart to fill to overflowing. But I lost trust and so began to build fences. I looked at the world from behind obstacles. The fences aren’t as fortress-like anymore, but they are still there.

Perhaps it’s time to bring out my inner child and ask her to climb the fences again. Through her eyes as she sits at the top I will see what I’m missing. She will tell me about all the love there is and she’ll also see the pain for she is a sensitive soul. Her tears will become my tears. Together we’ll feel the pain and let our tears become the rising waters that will allow me to float over.

I see and have begun to feel the pain that has taken up residence in the world right now. I can’t let myself forget there is also love. There is always love. It’s tempting to just stay behind my fences, but I have begun to let it in. My inner child must be ahead of me. She is leading me already to just feel it. And it’s not really other people’s pain. It’s mine. And it’s not just mine. It’s ours. To know that is to rescue love from our forgetfulness.

It was so much fun to run around the outside of the house as a kid and not see the fences as obstacles. They had a purpose other than a toy for us kids of course. They stood as boundaries to let others know this was a private space. Perhaps that’s how I can see my fences. They can become the boundaries I need, but they don’t have to be obstacles to my good. I can climb them or let my tears rise up and take me over them so I can feel and heal and as the tears dry, let love be revealed, a love that has lived within all along.

Tuesday, July 24, 2018

My Crisis of Intrinsic Worth

Photo by Shashank Sahay on Unsplash

There has been a dark undertone to my life for a very long time. It is only now coming to the surface enough for me to see it. I had a sense that I felt unworthy, but just how unworthy is only now showing up in moments of hopelessness and angst. In those moments I realize I feel as though my being here is conditional. Somehow, if I don’t meet those conditions, those put upon me in the past as well as those I’ve either internalized or put on myself, I have failed at my purpose and don’t belong here anymore.

I’ve had some pretty dark moments lately. But I have hope now that I see what it is I’ve been doing and believing. I don’t hesitate to tell someone their worth is intrinsic. They are here and so they are worthy. Even those who cause harm in the world, have a right to be here even if they don’t have a right to cause harm. Intellectually I know this. My heart needs time to catch up.

Perhaps all of our hearts need time to catch up and maybe even hear this good news for the first time. I’ve often written about how the heart intrinsically holds wisdom, but I also think that when wounded it can get stuck in the pain and forget. When we realize the truth of our being, that we are Love, Spirit, whatever you want to call It, the pain dissolves leaving only the warmth of love and belonging. I’ve had glimpses of this. Our worthiness collides with the lies. Once the heart remembers we can no longer believe love and life are conditional.

I’m not fully there yet, I want the pain to stop and I know I can rest in Love and release the hurt into something so vast and beautiful that it turns my pain into wonder. With my feet upon the Earth, I receive this life as it is, knowing I am ever becoming. The word crisis means a turning point, it comes from the Greek krisis which means decision. It’s time for me to decide that I truly do belong and accept my intrinsic worth.

As we each begin to accept this truth, I believe our world will become a kinder place, one of the tenderhearted and wise. When we accept the gift of our life, we can then finally begin to give it away honestly, unabashedly and wholly. We can finally live as Love's purpose and watch magic and miracle unfold right before our eyes.

Saturday, July 7, 2018

Shadow Casting

Photo by Marco Bianchetti on Unsplash

I can’t seem to let go of this need for people to stop believing obvious lies. I know people who simply want to believe the lies or they make them up to help themselves feel better about their racism or anger over their country and the whole of western civilization falling apart.

The key thing is that they are living a willful ignorance. They want to believe what they believe and there is nothing I can do about it. I can mention that what they say is not proven or has been proven to be false, but it doesn’t stop them from believing it.

I could go on about them, but what I need to deal with is why I am so triggered.

As a kid I was driven to want fairness and where there wasn’t, I got angry. I’d get into arguments with my mother over any punishment I thought was unjust. I couldn’t let things go if I thought they were wrong.

Even little things that people say, I feel the need to correct. Some think it’s annoying. I just think we should get the facts right.

You can see how crazy making it is for me here in the U.S. now with all this fake news talk and alternative facts nonsense.

It’s not a bad thing that I want justice and facts. But I’m making myself crazy in world that seems to want otherwise.

The thing is, not everyone wants to live in this alternative reality where all news is fake unless they say so and facts are just made up. I would guess most people do not. So why is my focus stuck on those who want to believe the made up, the false narratives that make them feel better?

I’m writing this to figure it out. I can feel the tension and anger rise within me as I think about it. It’s turning my heart to stone. That’s it. Though the anger can be motivating, it can also harden. And some of the anger may be misplaced.

I’m experiencing anger and frustration in my own life. Things feel so up in the air. I just want it all to work out. I just want all of the troubles in this country and world to work out. I want it all to work out so I can get on with my life. But this is my life. Sometimes things are settled and something they’re not. We can always be peaceful, no matter what.  

I think I’ve always wanted things to be the way I want them so I would feel better. Not unlike those who choose to believe lies so they feel better. I’m still tied to the external, the shadows on the wall. They are real in the sense that we may let them guide our behavior instead of letting our inner guidance move us. And since they are shadows we can make them into whatever resonates with us.

It’s time to look within, for me to look within. Others will do what they want. It’s not up to me to tell them what to do or believe.

What I can do is continue to focus on my truth and the truth of Love which is Love is all there is. The rest is shadows on the wall we cast when we get in the way of the light we truly are.

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Loss, Grief, Gratitude

Photo by johnhain on pixabay

 Grieving is an expression of gratitude, and that expression doesn’t have to be rushed.
~ Carolyn Wells

We don’t often think of grief as an expression of gratitude. The first thing we think about in connection with grief is loss and pain. There is an overwhelming sadness that takes us by the hand and escorts us into the realm of deep feeling and memory. But it is here we also begin to understand just how grateful we are for that which has been lost.

If we weren’t grateful for something, we wouldn’t grieve its loss.

I’m at the point in my journey through grief and the loss of my mother where I realize I am grateful for having had my mother in my life. My grief is an expression of this gratitude. It’s been a trying journey because we weren’t close and our relationship has always been complicated. The fact that I do grieve her has helped me realize I love her.

A tree loses its leaves, and the earth uses those leaves to enrich itself which in turn feeds the tree so new leaves can grow.

As we move through life, people and things fall away. What feels like a loss will someday enrich us and help us grow.

Already I’m beginning to feel that new growth. It’s barely a bud, but it’s there. For this I am deeply grateful.

I will continue to let sadness lead me into the heart of love. I will continue to let love lead me into gratitude for what was, what is and the mystery of what will be. I’ll let my tears dissolve my thought about what might have been into the greater yet to be. All of this is woven into the tapestry of my life and it reflects the stars from which I came.

The stars live in me and so does my mother. We are intertwined more than ever. It’s no longer the entanglement of a complicated relationship but a complex pattern of being that overlays the past and expresses in the present. The future is yet to be woven.

Through my experience of loss, grief and gratitude, my weaving has become more true to Love. The pattern may not always be perfect. Sometimes it may unravel. But always it will be true to who I am. I can stand in loss and grief and feel gratitude because it is all one beautiful pattern of being.

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

The Larger Story of Love

Photo by Mysticsartdesign on pixabay

The pieces of my life are laid out before me. It feels like it’s time to pick them up and begin moving towards life again.

It’s not like I’ve dropped out of life, but I have been in resting and waiting mode mostly and learning more through writing. But I haven’t really moved forward much in terms of my work in the world. And that’s all good. Sometimes we need to be in that space, be with what is and stare at the abyss of possibility. With my eyes closed, I can see what rises to the surface to be lived next.

Much has become clearer over the past few months. I know that writing is my path. In a visioning the words “sharing stories” came to me. This may mean more than just mine…though that is a part of it. Lately I’ve been moved more than ever by the suffering of others. Though I know we can overcome suffering, and I understand how it’s often related to how we perceive the situation, this doesn’t make the experience any less real or painful. And sharing our stories can help others know they are not alone as well as bring about healing within and without. We share in order to let go.

Once upon a time a seed was planted by an English professor I had in University. He saw something in the way I wrote my papers in a Canadian Lit class. He shared more than the usual canon of works. We read women and people of color that may not have made it into that canon. He helped us see the experience of being Canadian was more than our mainly white, middle class world. We were faced with the injustices and I was moved to focus on those aspects of people’s stories.

I once tried to bring together the Pagan community in LA by writing about many of the individuals who were a part of it, maybe beyond what some thought of as the Pagan community. In doing that, I tapped into my storytelling ability. This was different from the novels I was writing. Fiction can bring much to light as well, but sharing the stories of individuals within a community with others of that community felt like being a part of the weaving of a larger story that was only partly mine.

Another class in University, Epistemology, which was a philosophy class about how we know, brought insights to me about how sometimes we can help bring light to the troubles of others by sharing their story. Sometimes they can’t be heard in a culture that marginalizes them, and so maybe those of us that have the means and ways can help them be heard. We can’t speak for others, but we can share their story as they view and live it.

These ideas have been with me for over 20 years and have surfaced in such ways as mentioned above, but there is more to this story. What’s surfacing now feels like all of the pieces of my life coming together. Where once they were aspects of my story, they now are now becoming coherent.

I’m also beginning to understand in my heart that my story is a piece of the larger story of women, of Canadians, of Americans, of citizens of the world, of Spirit itself. It’s all just experience in the heart of Love which beats and lives each one of us. We tell Its story with each breath, each step, each beat of our heart. We are here as Love’s purpose. Keep living your life and sharing your stories. It’s all has value and the ability to bring forth Love.