Friday, September 28, 2018

As the Old Ways Disintegrate Love Will Rise If We Let It

By RedHeadsRule on pixabay


 The past couple of days I’ve been reeling from news of another cousin with cancer, this time breast cancer. She just had a mastectomy and she is young. With two friends and two cousins with cancer and other friends with serious illness, I’ve just felt sad.

But the idea of mastectomy and how women are treated by the medical field just set me off. I’ve been reading about the history of women in the world of magical lodges and spiritual movements, how they’ve been subordinate to men. Women have been subordinate in all areas of life for a long time and it continues.

Then the Ford/Kavanaugh hearings yesterday. So many friends triggered. I’ve been triggered, too. I’ve not been assaulted, but I feel the fear and pain. And the anger. At all of it. Then there are the women I know who don’t believe Ford. They think it’s all a Democratic conspiracy. I can’t even…

Yesterday, a friend mentioned that like the caterpillar that needs to turn to goo in order to become the butterfly, we too as a society need to dissolve the old in order for the new to come into being. It’s not easy. Some cling to the old ways with a vengeance and this is what is causing the most pain.

Right now all I can do is breathe and remember the basic goodness that lies deep within all of us, all of creation. It’s okay to fall apart, to let it all fall apart. Beneath the façade is the rawness of life itself. It is here where we will find the love that connects us all.

Friday, August 17, 2018

The Reminding

Photo by stux on pixabay


If only the wind could clear my mind like it clears away the clouds, blue sky mind, clear and bright. In those moments you can see forever.

But today, the wind blows and the haze remains until a piece of sad news parts the clouds and for a moment time becomes reflections of the past and I see more clearly than I have for a while. A heart in pain sometimes becomes a heart focused. I see her and I see a life pass before my eyes.

A cousin, more like an aunt, a woman who stepped into motherhood as if it were the most natural thing, is seriously ill. Of course, she was always a mother, her heart open to all.

Memories fill my mind and even the air around me. Time for a moment becomes visible as I see the past clearly.

A new mother in the hospital, my cousin holds her child born with a head full of hair. It probably reminds my mother then of me nine years earlier, the same head full of hair. My cousin, my mother’s niece by marriage, welcomed my mother into the family all those years ago just as we were welcoming this new life.

My cousin gathering us to hearth and home, the whole lot of us around the tree at Christmas or for fun on a sunny, summer day. Ever gathering us. Ever letting us know her heart. Letting us know we were always welcome.

Love found her again and she gathered us to her for her big wedding. The small bush I gave them planted soon after, years later growing strong. Love and life growing strong.

Love never left her, but when the love of her life passed from this world, a little of her did as well. And we gathered her into our hearts.

Her smile holds only a welcome and love. Her love is bigger than her smile could ever let you know. The news of her illness blows through my mind and clears away the clouds. I am reminded how important it is to live and to love. The reminding is a gathering of strength. Again we gather her into our hearts and know she is love and love heals all.

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Climbing Fences


Photo by Skitterphoto on pixabay


There was something about being able to lift my limbs up and over a fence as a child. The fence wasn’t an obstacle but a toy. As I got stronger and could do it faster. I reveled in my physical agility.

Somewhere along the line, I built up fences, endless defenses to keep out fear and pain. But I also kept out the good stuff. I have loved and I do love, but it must be small compared to what it could be if I let love into my heart to fill to overflowing. But I lost trust and so began to build fences. I looked at the world from behind obstacles. The fences aren’t as fortress-like anymore, but they are still there.

Perhaps it’s time to bring out my inner child and ask her to climb the fences again. Through her eyes as she sits at the top I will see what I’m missing. She will tell me about all the love there is and she’ll also see the pain for she is a sensitive soul. Her tears will become my tears. Together we’ll feel the pain and let our tears become the rising waters that will allow me to float over.

I see and have begun to feel the pain that has taken up residence in the world right now. I can’t let myself forget there is also love. There is always love. It’s tempting to just stay behind my fences, but I have begun to let it in. My inner child must be ahead of me. She is leading me already to just feel it. And it’s not really other people’s pain. It’s mine. And it’s not just mine. It’s ours. To know that is to rescue love from our forgetfulness.

It was so much fun to run around the outside of the house as a kid and not see the fences as obstacles. They had a purpose other than a toy for us kids of course. They stood as boundaries to let others know this was a private space. Perhaps that’s how I can see my fences. They can become the boundaries I need, but they don’t have to be obstacles to my good. I can climb them or let my tears rise up and take me over them so I can feel and heal and as the tears dry, let love be revealed, a love that has lived within all along.

Tuesday, July 24, 2018

My Crisis of Intrinsic Worth




Photo by Shashank Sahay on Unsplash

There has been a dark undertone to my life for a very long time. It is only now coming to the surface enough for me to see it. I had a sense that I felt unworthy, but just how unworthy is only now showing up in moments of hopelessness and angst. In those moments I realize I feel as though my being here is conditional. Somehow, if I don’t meet those conditions, those put upon me in the past as well as those I’ve either internalized or put on myself, I have failed at my purpose and don’t belong here anymore.

I’ve had some pretty dark moments lately. But I have hope now that I see what it is I’ve been doing and believing. I don’t hesitate to tell someone their worth is intrinsic. They are here and so they are worthy. Even those who cause harm in the world, have a right to be here even if they don’t have a right to cause harm. Intellectually I know this. My heart needs time to catch up.

Perhaps all of our hearts need time to catch up and maybe even hear this good news for the first time. I’ve often written about how the heart intrinsically holds wisdom, but I also think that when wounded it can get stuck in the pain and forget. When we realize the truth of our being, that we are Love, Spirit, whatever you want to call It, the pain dissolves leaving only the warmth of love and belonging. I’ve had glimpses of this. Our worthiness collides with the lies. Once the heart remembers we can no longer believe love and life are conditional.

I’m not fully there yet, I want the pain to stop and I know I can rest in Love and release the hurt into something so vast and beautiful that it turns my pain into wonder. With my feet upon the Earth, I receive this life as it is, knowing I am ever becoming. The word crisis means a turning point, it comes from the Greek krisis which means decision. It’s time for me to decide that I truly do belong and accept my intrinsic worth.

As we each begin to accept this truth, I believe our world will become a kinder place, one of the tenderhearted and wise. When we accept the gift of our life, we can then finally begin to give it away honestly, unabashedly and wholly. We can finally live as Love's purpose and watch magic and miracle unfold right before our eyes.

Saturday, July 7, 2018

Shadow Casting


Photo by Marco Bianchetti on Unsplash

I can’t seem to let go of this need for people to stop believing obvious lies. I know people who simply want to believe the lies or they make them up to help themselves feel better about their racism or anger over their country and the whole of western civilization falling apart.

The key thing is that they are living a willful ignorance. They want to believe what they believe and there is nothing I can do about it. I can mention that what they say is not proven or has been proven to be false, but it doesn’t stop them from believing it.

I could go on about them, but what I need to deal with is why I am so triggered.

As a kid I was driven to want fairness and where there wasn’t, I got angry. I’d get into arguments with my mother over any punishment I thought was unjust. I couldn’t let things go if I thought they were wrong.

Even little things that people say, I feel the need to correct. Some think it’s annoying. I just think we should get the facts right.

You can see how crazy making it is for me here in the U.S. now with all this fake news talk and alternative facts nonsense.

It’s not a bad thing that I want justice and facts. But I’m making myself crazy in world that seems to want otherwise.

The thing is, not everyone wants to live in this alternative reality where all news is fake unless they say so and facts are just made up. I would guess most people do not. So why is my focus stuck on those who want to believe the made up, the false narratives that make them feel better?

I’m writing this to figure it out. I can feel the tension and anger rise within me as I think about it. It’s turning my heart to stone. That’s it. Though the anger can be motivating, it can also harden. And some of the anger may be misplaced.

I’m experiencing anger and frustration in my own life. Things feel so up in the air. I just want it all to work out. I just want all of the troubles in this country and world to work out. I want it all to work out so I can get on with my life. But this is my life. Sometimes things are settled and something they’re not. We can always be peaceful, no matter what.  

I think I’ve always wanted things to be the way I want them so I would feel better. Not unlike those who choose to believe lies so they feel better. I’m still tied to the external, the shadows on the wall. They are real in the sense that we may let them guide our behavior instead of letting our inner guidance move us. And since they are shadows we can make them into whatever resonates with us.

It’s time to look within, for me to look within. Others will do what they want. It’s not up to me to tell them what to do or believe.

What I can do is continue to focus on my truth and the truth of Love which is Love is all there is. The rest is shadows on the wall we cast when we get in the way of the light we truly are.