The Longest Return

Photo by Free-Photo on pixabay

This has been the longest return to center I’ve ever had. I was thrown off kilter in 2009 when Charles experienced cancer. It triggered my every fear and my whole past. At first I didn’t look too deeply at that. I just kept trying to get up, but they were halfhearted tries. I couldn’t get up with my foundation crumbling. All the pain and anger I’d been holding onto since childhood was released into my awareness and I couldn’t deal with it. It took me about five years to finally delve in.

In the meantime I kept trying different things to make money. Again, those too were halfhearted attempts at making a life. Now I’m afraid of trying again. Will I continue to drift? When will I know my whole heart? I do understand now that I can’t create a life with half a heart and I’ve been trying for a very long time to do that…even before Charles’s illness. It’s like I’m only half here. Nothing works very well when you’re not totally present.

It got really bad this year. I’ve been more depressed than I’ve ever been. Well, maybe not as far down as I was at 19, but pretty close. Sometimes I wondered if I should keep trying. I’m tired. But something within continues to rise.

I sit here at the edge of another year, just a couple of days until we cross over into 2019.  It’s been 30 years since I was 19 and my first intense experience of being depressed. Back then I was tired of trying too. But I kept moving forward, and I will continue to do as I step into 2019.

A number of months ago I did a ritual where I stepped through a threshold into my future leaving my past behind. Really I just put the past behind me…it will always live with me. But more and more it no longer colors my present. And that may be what’s different this time. If I can just stand on the edge and wait for the nudge then simply follow it and then do it again and again, maybe it will be different.

In truth, we’re always at the edge of time and space, always looking into the abyss where possibility and mystery live. It’s okay to not know the next step. All you need to know is what you want. All you need to do is wait. And when an idea comes, trust the ground will rise to meet you as you move your foot out over the edge. We build our lives one step at a time. The avenue of our life’s journey exists in our subconscious, our soul. It’s time to release ourselves to its revelation in our lives.