The Unraveling

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The anxiety has been building. Everything seems to slowly be unraveling. I grasp at threads but can no longer weave them together. It’s time to let go and go within.

I seem to have lost sight of my inner wisdom. The connection has been tenuous at best for quite some time, but there are times when I become nearly untethered. Right now is one of those times.

It also feels as though time has sped up. Really, I’ve sped up. My mind reaches out into the future and rummages around in the past. I feel caught between “I haven’t done enough” and “I will never be good enough”. All the while I’m spinning in indecision. There is no way to be a weaver of my life when I’m in chaos. I can’t connect fully to my inner wisdom until I slow down.

When I do slow down I know Peace and Joy are my names even though right now it feels like they belong to someone else. The other night while in the class I’m assisting with, we did a visioning session. What came through for me as Spirit’s idea of my highest and best life was joy, full-bodied joy. I know this is who I really am. What is this anxiety about then?

The root of the word anxious is angh which means tight, painfully constricted. That is how it feels. I’ve constricted myself. Not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes things need to come apart to come together in a new way. The deepest wisdom about this came through my email today as a quote from Pema Chodron:

Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.

― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

 My anxiety is related to trying to control the process rather than just live it. When I do what is mine to do as a situation arises, it usually works out. But this time I put a wrench in the works by being indecisive about my next steps for my health and not taking action on some money issues. So I finally took one small action on a money issue.

I called my health insurance company again to remind them of the problem I was having with a medical group billing me for something I already paid. I called them since the medical group was ignoring me. I had done an affirmative prayer a while back stating that this issue was taken care of. What I forgot to do is move my feet. I called my insurance and they simply stated they would send me a check for the amount so I wouldn’t be out the money. Simple. I’m breathing a little easier now.

Sometimes we forget we don’t have to do it all. Sometimes we let situations loom large in our minds when all it takes is focused intention, an allowance for grace to enter and movement towards our highest good.

Life unfolds before me. I don’t look back, but I know the anxiety I felt has become a part of the path I tread. It need not become a part of the path before me. If it does, I know I can simply go within, remember who I really am and know that Life is always revealing my good.