The Merry-go-round and the Swing

Photo by 44833 on pixabay

Sometimes the past is a blur as though I’m riding on a merry-go-round. There you are and then there you are. Moments like a single breath. The relief of seeing you again even in the blur.

I remember the first time I climbed on that huge plastic horse amongst other horses and various fancy creatures and carts. It was white and regaled in gold and a beautiful array of colors. I held on tight. Up and down, round and round we went. You were my focal point. So many faces and then there you were.

You anchored the swing set and pushed us ever higher, the weight of you holding us to the earth even as we soared into twilight sky. I can still smell the freshly mowed grass and the damp air of a late summer evening. I can feel the joy of sky, the joy of coming back down to earth, back home to you.

And then you left. The first time you became a passing image. I could only feel the weight of your being as a distant mooring. The pain you felt when Dad died drove you out to sea. My mother now frozen in time to that long ago focal point, that anchor that kept us close.

Your second leaving last year left me unmoored, drifting in a sea of pain and regret. But today, you came back because I finally let go. I let go of the past and the painful stories that have kept me company for over 30 years. Now I see you. My focus is back and as I ride high into the sky once again, I know you are there. Your foot on the swing set, reminding me heaven and earth are one.