Meeting My Mother Outside of Time

My mother Margaret Young

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about how I finally released most of the anger I had about my mother and my childhood. Now, I just miss her. In so many ways, I miss her.

The other day I saw a woman walking her dog. Her gait and size were like my mother’s. It felt like she was right there. In some ways she is, but it’s not the same as her being her in flesh and blood.

Years after my father died, he came to me in a dream. It felt so real. It was good to hear from him. He told me he was sorry for leaving so soon. There was a sense of release and relief in that experience. I hope my mother will come to me in that way. I’m open and will continue to open and practice being with what is, with all of my feelings.

I may have released my mother, but I have yet to release myself. I can still feel the guilt about not seeing her for so long. I talked to her on the phone, but… It’s not the same as being there in person. I have to let it go. I wasn’t ready to face the past. I wasn’t ready to deal fully with my present. But it’s time to let that all go.

Grief helps us lean into loss if we let it. We may feel lost, which is okay because then we can just be. Psychologists have come to understand grief can cause us to lose our sense of identity. Maybe that’s a good thing, at least temporarily. Maybe we need to no longer live and process life in the old way in order to fully grieve. Grief can then become the unknown where all is possible. This is where I can meet my mother again. Free from the old stories, perhaps we can meet as though for the first time, perhaps where we first met, in the cosmos, in the swirl and pulse of Life before time and story made us.